I'm Letting Go and Taking a Giant Leap of Faith

As a Christian we should be as close to a mirror image as these mountains are in the water. That is what we are to strive for. It takes work and time. It is not an easy task and it does not come without some pain and sorrow. But it also comes with great joy and blessings.

I find it hard sometimes to not place importance on the things that “I want”. As a follower of Christ that should not be of any importance at all…unless what “I want” is to please Him and serve Him fully with and through my life. If our wants are not to please and serve Him then we have built up idols that we must tear down in order to be in His will.

I find it hard to learn the lessons I must learn and not fall back into my human nature way of doing it. Some lessons I have had to be corrected many times for. When that happens I “look at myself” and think “Why did you have to do this again? I thought you learned the last time you messed up in this area?” And I really did but….. Down I fall again into the same traps of self desires and wants. That is basically all sin is. Doing what “I” want instead of what God is directing you to do because He knows what is the very best for you and wants to see you happy. As Paul says “I want to do the things I should do but I find myself doing the things I shouldn’t.” I suppose if a man like Paul can fall into those traps then I shouldn’t be as hard on myself as I am. I just have to get back on track when I see myself going off course even a little. I have learned over the years to accept the past as just that, the past. I cannot change it but I can learn from it and move forward from that point. I spent way too many years beating myself up over every mistake and downfall. God didn’t condemn me for the mistakes. He forgave me and picked me up to try again. That is something that I am trying hard to teach my children. It is ok that we made a mistake if we will learn from it and move forward. Don’t keep making it.

God has been talking to me lately through songs. I know He does that for many people. I have a post below that has one of the songs that spoke to me greatly: While I’m Waiting. It is a very powerful song and very fitting for the powerful movie that it was in. I learned from that song that while I am waiting on the Lord to show me what He needs me to do or where to go next I am to be serving Him and praising Him. No matter what, that is to be a major part of our lives.

A new artist, Francesca Battistelli has a song called “I’m Letting Go”. God has spoken to me through that song “after” my darling husband and I came to the same realization of some things the Lord has been trying to show us.

That is what I am doing, finally, letting go of the dreams I planned for me and REALLY seeking HIS plan for my life. Catching hold of HIS dreams and trusting that He will bless me more than I could ever imagine. It is bitter sweet and those who know me understand exactly what this means to me and what I am giving up.

For the last five years my family has had the desire and thought “call” to move to Colorado. Before that we felt the call to ministry. We answered that call but not really as fully as we were supposed to and we know it. It became clear almost three years ago that my husband was to surrender to full time ministry. That meant no insurance and very little income. He was to serve in our city at a local mission that reaches many for Christ. We started working with them ten years ago. But instead of surrendering to that ministry we allowed ourselves to believe that God was going to give us Colorado. Now, I am not saying that somewhere down the line in our lives God isn’t going to allow our dream of Colorado to come true. But it HAS to be in HIS timing! So I have to let it go. I have been going back and forth over that for months now. I just wasn’t sure what God was trying to show me through those words going around in my head over and over.

We found land in Colorado that captured our heart, along with a sweet little town. We tried every way to come up with money to buy it. Finally, someone loaned us the money at a very high interest only-three year loan. We wanted to believe it was the right thing so badly. And that we could pay it off in that three years time. But when you are paying such a high payment each month and it is only interest, you don’t get very far. Many things have come up over those two and a half years. We started feeling that call even stronger to surrender to full time ministry in November of last year so the question of debt and the land have come up. We started praying about what we needed to do. I contacted several banks and tried to get refinancing. No one wants to loan money on land only. Plus things just aren’t good in the economy right now.

In order for my husband to quit his corporate job we have to get rid of all debt. The land, as it is right now, is holding us back from that. We have until November of this year to pay it off. We have paid very little on the principle. Even though we know God is able to do great things we do not know He will provide for this land to be ours. We want to lay down all wants and desires, other than the one to serve Him. And we have to have that land either sold or paid off before he can quit his job. Our goal for him to quit his corporate job is mid July, if not sooner.

We are placing our land up for sale this week. Yes, you read that correctly. We will trust Him to sell it if that is His will and trust Him with a provision if He wants us to keep it. Either way, we are letting go of the dreams we have for ourselves and grabbing on to the dreams He has for us serving here in Arlington, Texas and where ever else in the world He would have us go. We will try to make back the money we put into it to pay off the other debts we need to get rid of, like the van, my student loans and furniture payments. We need to only have our basic bills to survive.

In this process of letting go there are many things we have to do to get ready for this new adventure. The debt has to go. Most of the debt we have is small compared to the land. We will need to get some things fixed in the house, like a new hot water heater, which I was informed this weekend “might be going out”. Great! We will not have insurance so check ups are in order again. And our son is on some expensive meds and we must figure out the best thing to do for that area of his life. We are continuing to clean out the house of things we don't need to have less clutter in our lives. Emotional clutter is something most of us don’t think about, but it’s there at every turn. I have to clean that out before I can embark on this journey. This is probably an area that we all sometimes forget about.

Will this be hard? You bet. Those who know me know just how much we desired that dream in Colorado. And as much as we love the Lord we were not really waiting on His timing and weren’t stepping out on faith as we should have to follow Him. When there are children to provide for things become a little more complicated. My husband takes providing for his family very seriously. So before quitting his job he needs to know that everything will be ok. I have tried to tell him so many times that God will provide I have no doubt, for our needs. I really do not doubt it. And it isn’t that I have more faith than my husband. It is that as the head of our household he knows God has placed this responsibility to provide on him. He will do nothing until he is sure that our family will be provided for. I am proud of him and love him dearly because of that. Some men couldn’t care less about their families when making decisions. I was blessed with a godly man who takes his responsibilities seriously.

So how do we know NOW that God is calling us to do this if we got the other stuff wrong? Good question. It lines up with His Word. When we bought the land we went into serious debt. That is not what His Word tells us to do. What we are doing now is getting out of debt and surrendering our lives to follow Him. That does line up with His Word. My husband is so tired and ill from this high stress night job. It is time for him to come home. Our older son needs his attention with school and learning how to be a godly man for Christ as he nears adulthood. Our younger children need him around because they adore him! Our older daughter is always complaining that she never gets to see her dad. She needs him to be there for her. Yes, I need him home, too. But I have spent so many of our married years (26 this coming Thursday!) with him working nights that you would think I would be used to it. Not really. I want him home!

I am letting go of my dreams for Colorado and grabbing on to the dreams He has for me to work alongside my husband and children with Mission Arlington. I am open to whatever mission field He chooses to send us to where ever in the world. If God sends us to Colorado someday, wonderful! If He never does, ok. I will love the Lord, My God with all I am and serve Him all the days of my life.

The love for my Lord is my motivation in life. If I lose that then I lose all the blessings He has for me in this life and the next. Plus my children will not have that example to follow in their own lives. The world today is a hard place to live in and it makes it very hard to know right from wrong. The world tells us a different story. (Another one of my favorite songs right now! Voice of Truth!) I have to keep my eyes on Him so that my children and others around me can hear the Voice of Truth through my example. Wow! What a heavy responsibility. But that is parenthood, a job I take very seriously. A few weeks ago I was really struggling with something that concerned my son and others. I had some faulty information so many things went through my head. God spoke to me through that song. I had to sift through all the things the world tried to tell me and find what the truth was. God’s truth is forgiveness. It changed how I looked at a lot of things. It has helped me to forgive where it has been hard for me to forgive. Sometimes we have a hard time forgiving when the pain is so deep. But Christ forgives us all sin if we ask. So in turn, we should forgive those. We have to let the past go and move forward. Giving others a second chance is the right thing to do, as many second chances as they need.

Please keep us in your prayers and put us on your churches prayer list as missionaries in Arlington, Texas. We covet your support in any way. We know that God will provide for all of our needs. What we need most is your prayers. Specifics, pray for our ability to sell the land and pay off debt. If it is God’s will, then a way to keep the land. I almost feel as if I can’t pray that for us. If He chooses to do something else, then so be it. Also pray for provision with what insurance normally covers. Pray for our desire to reach the lost in our area and any area God leads us to. Pray for our children who will not like little-to-no eating out or will be upset because they won’t get the latest “great” movie out on video or a new video game. (Mom might have a problem with that, too, so pray for me! I love old movies and new ones.) Pray that they will appreciate the fact that God will provide the clothes, food, and shelter we need to survive. Pray that they will see what a gift they will have in their dad being home to serve the Lord full time and be there for them daily. Money will be very tight but God’s blessings will abound. That I know!

The three songs I have mentioned are in the playlist on the sidebar. They are really powerful to me. When you listen to them the next time listen carefully for what God told me through them.

Thank you all so much for your love and support. I know God placed you all in my life to give us that which we need so much. I know I can count on each of you to lift us up in prayer to the Mighty God we serve. As you do that, I pray that HE will send showers of blessings upon your lives! We love you all so much!